Dear you

Dear you, 

Yes, you. My past, my ex, the one that I used to love wholeheartedly. Love is blind for sure. I just cant imagine how can I had that kind of courage to love somebody for the good and also love the bad side. Some people called me fool, blind, masochist, whatsoever. I agree with them. Yet, despite all the bad things you’ve shown to them, I also can see the other side of you. Your kindness and your love.

I knew, what we had is completely broken. There is no more “we” in our dictionary. Finally, we took different path and agreed to leave each other. 2 years was a crazy time, we made our own world and you’re definitely the biggest part of my life. Your existence was matters so much. I don’t know why I let my guard down and let you in and control me (without you’re knowing it, but yes). Since the beginning we knew the risk of carry the different. We knew it wont work well. We knew it.. but still we try to make it work. At least, we tried.

After we separate, all the emotion that I felt is only anger. I really mad at you. Then, I can only feel bitterness. Yeah, moving on and letting go is the matters of process. Which means, time is the key. It took more than 6 months. Until I had this conversation with a friend. She told me that if I still have feeling (whatever it is, either love or the opposite), it means I’m not completely moving on and letting you go. I supposed to be feel nothing. Your existence should not be a matter anymore. All the feeling completely gone.

Forgiving isn’t easy. Sometimes I feel that there is still unfinished business between us. There is still some questions left unanswered. In my mind, you became the most horrible person on earth that I hate so much. But then I realize I don’t hate you. I hate myself. I can’t forgive myself for all those things. Me, the only person that I can blame because I let myself drown into relationship for years with you. For all the things we did. I ashamed and angry with my foolish, naive, mistake I’ve made with you.

I was a mess and broken. I feel very fragile at the moment. At that point, suddenly I felt so much love by the people around me. Especially by the God, Allah SWT. God shows me the love around me. Friends and families. I have special support system that help me to recovery from all the pain. I wasn’t feeling lonely anymore.

You know how the process of forgiving? First, you have to accept the fact and embrace the truth. Nothing hurts you more than a lie. Reality bites, baby. Secondly, I have to understand it. Its not easy to understand about all the things we’ve through the past years. My mistakes, your mistakes, the pain and everything. And sometimes there are things that under my ability to control. After you understand, then you finally can forgive.

I avoid talked about you when my friends asked. I don’t know about your condition, either. I pretend to don’t care your existence. For months it’s seems work effectively. Until last Friday my office held a party in the place that you were there when I was flew to Bali (business related as usual). I remember that was the time when we fought for nonsense and BAM! We walked away from each other. I don’t know why I remember that kind of such things. Oh my God. And you suddenly came to my dream. I don’t know what kind of feeling I had for you, yet, this is makes me confused.

Its silly. I couldn’t help myself and read your email months ago. Your apology letter because you didn’t attend my graduation day. We had a big fight back then. Usually when we fought, we didn’t talk to each other, until one of us send a message. Its almost a year that both of us didn’t send anything to one of us. Fyi, I still kept your apology letter. It was very personal and I found the real you wrote wholeheartedly for me. I kept it to remind me that you are still human, that can make a mistake, feel the pain, and had a battle to fought. And also to remind me that you chose to let me go to find my own happiness because you failed to continue this relationship with me. You hate yourself because you hurt me.

And the question just hit my mind: when I will let you go?

I just realize after all this times, I still keep you in my mind. I haven’t let you go yet. Your apology letter was a “love” message from you. Because you already accepted the fact that we are different and understand that there are things that can’t work out. We can’t work out together. We are not meant to be. And you wanted me to be happy and find the right person.

And I cried.

I’m sorry for being the selfish one. I’m sorry for throwing a responsibility that doesn’t belong to you. I’m sorry for betrayed your love to me. I supposed to be pray for your happiness instead of hate you. It is not easy as people told me. This emotional baggage that I carried are heavier than I ever thought. The hatred is just the opposite of love. And I don’t want to carried it anymore. 

This whole process of moving on and letting go taught me many things. Being alone is not hard as I think. Maybe sometimes I feel lonely, but its totally fine to enjoy your time alone. I learnt to love myself wholeheartedly before I love somebody else. I found a self-respect before I made other people respect for me. Now I know why people always keep saying that being alone is much better than being with wrong person. I much tougher than you think you know. And also, the good news is if everything goes well as I planned I’m gonna be in your favorite country next year to continue my study (Amien for that). Second most important thing, I can spend my time with my families and friends. They are my support system. Without them maybe the recovery will take much longer time. But the most important thing, this whole journey just made me build a closer relationship to God.

Life goes pretty well lately. I enjoy it every minute. I am much happier now. Even though I haven’t find the right person. Yet, I don’t want to rush anything. Everything will happen on the right time.

I think this is the right time to say.. “I forgive for all our mistakes, our stupidity. I understand that there are things we can’t push to be happen. There are things that not meant to be. Its over our ability to control it. I let you go. Find your own happiness. I hope you will have a decent life that you always wanted. I hope you learn that there are things that are more precious than money, like families and friends. Please keep your family and friend. They are hard to find. And finally, I hope you can find somebody that understand you well enough and complete your life. Remember, if you feel lonely, you are not alone because God is always there and He watches you. Good bye. God bless you”.   

 

with love,

T

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